


A Change of Mind

by AfterGlow13



Category: Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, I'm an English Major Not a Doctor, Mention of Dr. Bright from The Bright Sessions, Original Character(s), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22954969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfterGlow13/pseuds/AfterGlow13
Summary: In reflection, June supposes she knew she was going to take her life the day she turned to Rick and said, "Therapy isn't working." Not in the kind of way you know that 2+2=4, more in the way you know your own name. Because June couldn't live a second of her life without the terrible memory of Enchantress. Sometimes it was at the back of her mind, just an omnipresent fact, on those days she got out of bed and showered and could function. Most of the time, however, Enchantress's name was on the tip of her tongue even before her own.
Relationships: Rick Flag/June Moone
Kudos: 12





	A Change of Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU of my other story, A Quiet Hope for the Future, which can be found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19451206/chapters/46296892. It is not necessary to read that story, but it has a lot of the same OCs.

In reflection, June supposes she knew she was going to take her life the day she turned to Rick and said, "Therapy isn't working." Not in the kind of way you know that 2+2=4, more in the way you know your own name. Because June couldn't live a second of her life without the terrible memory of Enchantress. Sometimes it was at the back of her mind, just an omnipresent fact, on those days she got out of bed and showered and _could function_. Most of the time, however, Enchantress's name was on the tip of her tongue even before her own. 

"Okay," Rick said and June loved him for simply accepting that.

"I don't know what to do," she said. Rick hugged her then, his head settling atop hers, his arms cradling close.

"We'll figure something out," he said, and June could hear how tired he was in his voice. This wasn't fair to him, none of it. He deserved someone who could be happy. 

"I'm not sure this gets better," she whispered. 

"What does your therapist say?" 

June shrugged, pulling out of the hug. "Trauma takes time, that a lot of my hormone levels are wonky likely as an after effect of Enchantress and that I should continue with my medications." She noticed the way his hands tensed, just slightly, when she said Enchantress's name. He was still ready for her to come back at the merest whisper. Oh, poor sweet Rick.

But, soldier that he was, he just pushed that fear away to deal with the problem at hand. He even crossed his arms, his feet planted firmly. "What do you think?"

"I don't know."

Rick frowned. "No, no, June, please talk to me. If this isn't working, why keep going? We can try something else."

June laughed mirthlessly. "You think Waller will allow it? Allow me to talk to anyone else?"

Rick's face got harder, and she knew him well enough to know he was scared but not prepared to let it stop him. He didn't back down from a challenge. "You do what's best for you; I'll handle Waller."

She smiled at him, soft. He smiled in answer. He was so sweet. Even Enchantress had liked him.

June felt herself crumble again. "I don't know, Rick. I just don't know."

He nodded, taking her back into his arms. "I'll make it alright, June, I promise." She wanted to believe him, so badly, but she could only see one way out.

\---

June knows that that day Rick set out to find a way to fulfill his promise, but it wasn't until several days later when she was on the phone with her mom that he found one. June was curled in the bed talking, Rick folding and putting away the laundry, bless him, when she started to cry. She didn't even quite know why, the tears just started and then she couldn't stop. Rick got into bed behind her and wrapped himself around her. Her Mom whispered, "It's okay, Juney," her voice breaking. It all just made June cry harder.

Eventually it passed, leaving June exhausted. "I know you can't tell me what's going on June, but just come home. It's been ages since we've seen you, and I worry about you out there. I know that boyfriend of yours is taking good care of you, but still I worry."

"I'll see what I can do, Mom," she said, tired.

She felt Rick stirring behind her, assumed he was about to get up to finish putting away the laundry. Instead, he asked, "Can I talk to your Mom?"

"Okay," June said, surprised. They'd never been introduced before. In the months since Enchantress, June had sometimes exchanged messages for them over the phone - mostly pleasantries - but they'd never talked. What was Rick up to?

"Hello Mrs. Moone," he said, and June couldn't quite hear her Mother's response, she could just make out the sound of her familiar voice. "Okay, Phyllis." Her mother's voice, again. "Well, Phyllis, I've got some days off saved up, and I was thinking June and I should come visit." June rolled over to look at him, and he just smiled at her, winking. She could hear her mom faintly now, exclaiming, "Wonderful! Wonderful!" 

Rick and her mother made plans, and June let it happen. Maybe this would be good. 

She was too tired to care.

\----

Her mother's was like a cup of strong, hot coffee: it eased the tiredness temporarily, but June knew it was still there. It was so good to be home, and to be home with Rick. Her Mom picked them up from the airport and they went straight to her childhood home, where everyone was waiting: June's sister Nina, her husband Michael, their toddler Jacob; June’s brother Drew, his fiancé Sammy, their baby Colbi; her Uncle Clarence, his wife Sue, their son Grant; and her two elderly great aunts, Judith and Betty. They ate lasagna, then played Pictonary. After everyone left June showed Rick her childhood bedroom, and he teased her about her troll doll. (She defended Cobalt, of course, Trolls could hear and you didn't want to scare them or their good luck off.) In the morning everyone was over again and they had waffles. (And if June actually brought Cobalt down to prove to Rick how cool Troll dolls were, instead of just to reminisce with Nina, Drew, and Grant like she said - well, he probably figured that out.) They spent the afternoon wandering around town, showing Rick all the highlights: her schools, the mall, the playground where she got buzzed for the first time….

Five days passed like that before Rick had to head back to check in on the Squad. She could tell he was itching to go by the end. He didn't say anything, he just had this restless energy, and he kept checking the news on his phone. So she borrowed her mom's car and dropped him off at the airport.

When she got home she felt like he'd taken all her energy with him. When her mom asked her about it she shrugged, said she probably just needed some sleep. But she knew it was more than that.

With Rick gone and her family busy with their own lives, June found herself slipping into familiar patterns. She wouldn't get out of bed until her bladder felt like it was going to burst. Then, she'd either go back to bed or go downstairs and sit in front of the TV. She'd think about getting up to shower or eat, but… she could do that later. When she had more energy, more motivation. She was maybe slightly better off at home than with Rick, because her mom was a much better bully. And at home, there were no memories of Enchantress.

But Enchantress was still with her, whispering in her mind. _Rick abandoned you here because you're a burden. Soon, everyone will see how weak you are and leave you. You need me. I protected you, loved you, found you true love, and the adoration of the world - and you don't know how to live without it_.

June would try to push Enchantress out of her head, but she just became louder. She was so afraid. What if she wasn't really gone? What if Rick and the Squad had only hurt her, and she was just recovering, soon to be back to her own tricks? It had started like that. Just thoughts, whispering to her, giving her advice. Until one day someone had mugged her at knife point, and Enchantress had said to just say her name and she'd take care of it. June had, and when she'd woken up there was blood, so much blood. She never summoned her again, not consciously. But Enchantress didn't need her to; she just waited until June slept, then she could trick her subconscious into summoning her. June had tried to fight sleeping, but she was constantly tired. She'd never slept so much in her life since she let Enchantress in.

Dr. Millburn, her psychiatrist, theorized that Enchantress had messed with her hormones to make her sleep more. Brain scans and blood tests backed up his theory, so they'd been trying different medications to see if they could get her back to normal, with some success. Additionally, they spent some of their weekly appointments discussing tools to move on.

She wasn't too sure about him, and suspected he was treating this - her - as research. But what else could she do? She had to try, and this was who Waller approved.

 _You and I, we are one_ , Enchantress whispered.

\----

June knows what a support network is now, but at the time she was surprised, and annoyed, when her family started spending more time with her. _Babysitting_ , really, like she was some kid who couldn’t be trusted not to kill herself by drinking the bleach kept under the kitchen sink. She spent every evening with her Mom, because they lived in the same house. Weekends were for Rick, who flew in every Friday night and left again before dawn started lighting the sky on Monday. June was used to having the rest of her time to herself, to spend however she wished, which was mostly asleep or watching crappy daytime television. It took June three days to know that something was up, and then she got pissed.

The first day, a Monday, June woke up in a bed empty of Rick and started crying. Typical Monday for her since she’d come home. This was the third week of this, and by now she knew the groove her thoughts fell into, and the sounds that produced. _You’re all alone_ , sobs. _No one loves you_ , more sobs. _Rick loves me_ , she’d think, and manage to calm herself to sniffles. _Why does he keep leaving? I’m such a burden, one day he won’t return_. Sobs, louder than ever. _I’ve ruined everything_.

Eventually she cried herself into exhaustion, and when she woke it was to a text from her sister asking if she wanted to grab lunch at their old favourite pizza joint. June went, not caring that she was a greaseball, not for pizza. 

The second day, she was sitting on the couch nibbling a cold slice of bacon and pickle pizza while Whoopi Goldberg interviewed someone she’d never heard of on _The View_ , when her brother and his fiancee dropped by with their baby. 

The third day, she was laying on her bed wrapped in a towel after a shower, hair almost dry, when the phone rang. Out of old habit she ran for it, knowing her Mom would be annoyed if she didn’t at least know who had called. It was a good thing, too, because it turned out to be her Great Aunt Judith hoping to get a ride to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Her mom had conveniently carpooled that day, so June had the car. That was what tipped June off: it was all so perfect, it had to be a set up. Not that she could say anything to her great aunts.

Thursday, however, when her cousin Grant texted asking if she wanted to go for a jog, she texted back, _Since when have you jogged?_ It was mean, but true. Grant had been a chubby kid.

 _Is that a no?_ he texted back.

_That's a no._

_You're just scared I'd beat you_.

 _As if_.

 _You've been gone a long time, cousin_.

 _I haven't been gone long enough to want to be coddled. You don't jog, try to be less obvious next time it's your turn to babysit me_.

Grant didn't respond. June laid there waiting for a long time, disappointed that it was that easy to get him to leave her alone. Angry. Hurt. Unsurprised.

When someone knocked on the door around 1pm, she was still lying there. She hurriedly pulled on some panties and the giant robe her mom had bought Rick for his weekends there and rushed downstairs. She opened the door to find Grant holding one of those ready made store salads. "What are you doing here?" she asked in surprise, holding open the door to let him in.

"Have you eaten lunch yet?" he asked in lieu of a response.

"Not yet," she responded, tightening her robe.

"I'm here to make that happen," he said, walking to the kitchen and pulling out plates and forks.

"But you hate salad."

"Oh, you really have been gone a while Juney. I eat salad now."

"And jog?"

"Yep." He pulled two glasses from the cupboard and started filling them with water from the tap. "Do I have to do everything or are you going to set the table?"

June did as he asked, arranging the plates and cutlery he’d pulled from the cabinet onto the table. She started eating without saying much more. She was too shocked. 

It was a good salad, one of those ones with lots of chicken and dried cranberries. Seeing Grant shovel it into his mouth the way he had French fries in high school was strange.

"This is really good. Thanks."

"Hey, it's not like I made it or anything. I haven't changed that much," he quipped.

"That's good. I might think you were possessed," June said tightly, uncomfortable with the thought.

Grant noticed her tone, and put his fork down. "I wasn't in a great place after high school. Physically. Mentally. Salads, I've found, help both. At least, the good ones do." He shoveled another bite into his mouth. "Fuck quinoa."

June laughed.

\----

June’s first step towards helping herself was small, but in the same way the first step of climbing a sheer rock face is small. 

It happened about a week after she’d figured out what her family was doing. She was still kind if pissed about it, but hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, not even Rick when he’d acted surprised at how much time she’d been spending with her family in the week he’d been gone. She’d given him the look, eyes narrowed and eyebrows raised just a touch, but he’d only met her gaze, lifting his chin a touch. She’d smiled tightly at the stubborn bastard and kissed him.

The anger was festering inside her, making her extra crabby, and just to make it all better she was on her period. She just really wanted to be alone to steep in her own misery and bodily fluids so when Grant texted her, _Want to go for a jog?_ she was succinct.

_Fuck. Off._

_This doesn’t seem like a salad day_ , was his reply two minutes later.

June laughed aloud at that. No, Grant, this really wasn’t a salad day. June would have been quite happy if she’d died in the night, because then she wouldn’t have had to deal with the blood that had stained her favourite pair of sleep shorts, or this conversation, or the fact that Rick was gone or the fact that Enchantress was telling her it was because she was unlovable and he wasn’t ever coming back and soon her stupid family would do the same, which is what she wanted, never mind the fact that they made her happy, and oh fuck she would love it if she were dead she would never have to eat another salad ever again, and never have another period. When she glanced at her phone she’d lost fifteen minutes to those thoughts, and she laughed again. She hated her life, and to make it worse she just wanted a donut or twelve. _If you must come, bring donuts_ , she texted back.

When Grant came, he had a box of a dozen assorted donuts from the bakery that was tucked into the building her sister had taken dance classes in. June was downstairs, because she had started crying and needed a tissue box; she hated the feeling of a runny nose. She hated everything then, except for the Boston Cream donut she stuffed in her mouth. And the cruller that soon followed. The salt from her tears made them better, somehow; the snot, not so much.

Grant, eating a paczki on the couch beside her, jokingly said, “You need help.” It was because of the donuts that June was able to recognize it as a joke.

“I have a teleconference with my psychiatrist back east once a week,” she said.

“Yeah? How’s that going?” he asked.

June shrugged, but the waterworks picked up a bit as she remembered her latest call. She’d asked Dr. Millburn if there was a way to make the thoughts she was having stop, to make Enchantress stop. He’d asked if she really thought it was Enchantress, and got her to compare them to her interactions with Enchantress before, then reiterated that Enchantress was dead and said that she should just ignore these thoughts. She’d been trying to push them away but it wasn’t working.

“That good, huh?” 

June shook her head, trying to get her crying under control. After a few moments she took a few deep breaths and said, “I don’t think it’s working.” 

“So what are you going to do about that?”

June looked at him sharply. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, are you going to get a new psychiatrist?”

June scoffed. “It’s now that simple.”

“Sure it is,” Grant said, gesturing violently. A bit of the jam filling from his donut fell out at his movement, landing on his grey t-shirt. He cursed, before gently setting his donut back in the box and grabbing a tissue to clean himself up. This was the Grant June knew, passionate and grubby. Not a jogger. She smiled a little. “If your dentist hurts you when they clean your teeth, you’re going to find a new dentist, right?”

June shook her head. “It’s not that simple.”

“Then explain it to me!” he exclaimed, miming strangling her.

“I can’t!” she said, throwing her own hands in the air in frustration. Unlike Grant, she had finished her donut, so she didn’t get mess everywhere.

Grant sighed and collapsed back into the couch. “Why not?”

“It’s - complicated. It involves the government. I signed a nondisclosure agreement, and this is who they’ve approved me to talk with,” June explained.

“Yeah, that’s what Aunt Phyllis said.” June made a face at being reminded of babysitting duty. Was there a meeting? Was her entire obscure past spelled out as clearly as possible? “She also said Mr. Macho Rick said he would and could do anything to help you.”

That snapped June out of her negative thoughts for a moment. Her knowledge of what Rick had done to save her from Enchantress was vague, but she knew enough to know that it had been extreme. He’d sacrificed one of that Squad of his. He would have given up more. And while her knowledge of the mission was vague, June remembered vividly everything Rick had done to help her since they’d met. Every waffle date, late night conversation, and gentle kiss were inscribed on her brain.

But could he manage this? Manage Waller?

“What do you know about psychiatrists, anyway?” she asked, picking up another donut, a jelly filled like Grant’s this time.

He followed her lead, picking up his half eaten donut. “I told you, I was in a bad place after highschool. If I’m being honest, I was headed that way during twelfth grade. You and my friends all left for university. Nina and Drew were already gone. I was living with my parents, with nothing better to do than play video games and put on weight. And boy did I ever!” he chuckled in self-deprecation. 

“I remember seeing you at Christmases.” He’d always been rotund, but she remembers comparing him to a snowman with Nina and Drew one year.

“I was fat. I got out of breath walking upstairs. My parents started bugging me to join a gym, get a job, go back to school - anything. I started eating in my room more and more, until I couldn’t stand to have anyone watch me eat. I just felt like a waste of space, like the food I was eating was being wasted because I was so fat I didn’t need it. So I started starving myself. That didn’t help, of course, it just made me feel worse. I didn’t care if I lived, at one point.” A jolt went through June, a jolt of recognition. That’s how she felt. “It got so bad Mom and Dad took me to the emergency room.”

“Mom told me you were in the hospital but I never quite heard why.” She’d been on one of her South American expeditions, and the cell service had been poor. Conversations had been short, and she’d been told it wasn’t anything serious. Or maybe the words that had been used were life threatening.

“I was in and out a few times, honestly. It was bad. But eventually I got on to see a dietician, who recommended a counsellor and a support group. It took me a lot of time, but I like myself again.

"So, I know something about what you're going through. And if your psychiatrist isn't working for you, find one who will."

"Simple as that?" June asked, staring at the donut in her hands.

"Nothing about mental illness is simple," Grant said sagely. 

June laughed. "Alright. I'll look into it later."

"Nope, now," Grant said, standing up.

"What? Grant, no," June whined.

"Bring the donuts," he ordered, walking over to her mom's old home computer and booting it up. June did as he asked, and soon they were sitting side by side as the computer slowly came to life. It reminded June of when they used to crowd around the computer as kids to play video games.

Soon they had a list of local counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists pulled up and were going through them. Only one stood out to June, a psychologist called Dr. Bright whose ad said she specialized in "strange and unusual" patients. Grant talked her into calling her office to see if she was taking on new clients, and she ended up with an appointment for early in the next week.

That night she called Rick, and he said he'd work it out with Waller. Hopefully this Dr. Bright would be able to supply her with better help than her current psychiatrist, but if not they'd keep looking until they found the right match. He was optimistic. June was just really tired, it had been a long day. She was almost asleep by the time Rick whispered, "I love you, good night."

\----

In June's metaphor for recovery, she is free climbing a sheer cliff face. The cliff face is her trauma, and gravity is her depression; or perhaps it's the other way around. Her doctors supply her with the rope and anchors to help her ascent. She explains all this to Rick one lazy sunny afternoon when she takes him rock climbing. 

"I'm so glad you have such a big team helping you," Rick says, clinging to a ledge. "This is hard."

"You'll get better," June promises, laughing.

Dr. Bright didn't take June on as a patient; she only worked with people whom she called atypicals, people who had abilities the average person didn't such as pyrokinesis, mind control, or heightened strength. While Dr. Bright was sure Enchantress was an ancient supercharged atypical, June herself was not. What Dr. Bright could give her was the name of a counsellor who worked with the friends, family, and occasional victims of atypicals.

When June first met Ms. Khan, it was a Monday. June walked into Ms. Khan's office unshowered, hastily dressed, and with crumbs on her shirt from the bagel her mom had made her eat as she drove her to her first appointment. June was repulsed by herself, and didn't particularly want to shake Ms. Khan's hand. _She'll take one look at you and know you're beyond help. Worthless. Unlovable. You should just walk out, before she kicks you out with a pitying smile_.

June shoved the thoughts away, denying them. Ms. Khan was a professional. She'd help her. She had to, because June's grip on her life was slipping. She shook Ms. Khan's hand politely and sat on the edge of the plush charcoal armchair offered to her.

"As you probably know, I've been talking with Dr. Millburn about your case, so I'm fairly up to date on your past and treatment so far. That means there's no need to rehash previous discussions, we can jump right in. How are you today?"

How did she answer that? She couldn't say that she wished she hadn't woken up that morning. That was a lot to admit upon first meeting someone, especially when she couldn't admit to herself what that wish really meant.

But she didn't want to lie. Grant had given her a pep talk, encouraging her to trust her new counselor. The only way therapy could work, he said, was if she put in the effort. Trusting someone, especially a stranger, with her deepest thoughts and feelings was hard, but she wanted to start this off right.

She settled on a simple, "Not great."

Khan smiled sympathetically, revealing a slight gap between her front teeth. Like the comfortable furniture and muted colours of the office, it was meant to put clients at ease; June found the smile much more effective and unassumed. She felt herself relaxing into the chair more. "Can you elaborate?"

"I mean…" June gestured at herself.

"What about your appearance makes you feel bad?"

"I feel dirty." June scrunched up her face, struggling to pull words past the voice in her head that said Khan didn't care. She did; it was her job. "Like a slob. I keep thinking how disgusting I am, that no one will want to spend time with me if I'm like this. I try to push thoughts like that away, but. It's hard."

"These thoughts you're referring to, that you try to push away - are they the ones that sound like Enchantress?"

June nodded. "I know they're not her, that I should just ignore them."

"This is a conversation you have a lot with Dr. Millburn." When June nodded again, Ms. Khan continued, "Have you heard the term intrusive thoughts?"

June had to think for a minute. "I think that's what Dr. Millburn called Enchantress's voice in my head."

"The thoughts that sound like her," Ms. Khan prompted.

"Right," June agreed.

"Dr. Millburn and I agree that these thoughts that sound like Enchantress are intrusive thoughts. Everyone has bad thoughts, June. Yours happen to take on the sound of someone who caused you a lot of pain and trauma, and that's hard. But what's important to remember is that these thoughts are yours, they come from your brain, and you can control your response to them."

June nodded, she had been over this with Dr. Millburn. "I've been trying to ignore them."

"How? Can you give me an example of a thought and how you ignore it?"

"Yeah, sure." She racked her brains, before landing on a common thought: Rick. "She tells me a lot that Rick is only with me because he pitied me. That I'm unlovable. I deny this, try to push it away by thinking about how much he loves me."

Ms. Khan nodded, edging forward in her seat so she was closer to June. It made her look up, really pay attention as Ms. Khan said, "That's not what Dr. Millburn meant to do when he said to ignore the thoughts. What you're doing isn't ignoring them, you're feeding them. Think of the thoughts as a fire, and any sort of attention fuel. When you push away or try to suppress these thoughts as you've been doing, you're paying attention to them, giving them fuel. It's hard, but when you have one of these thoughts, you need to accept that it's in your brain and move on."

That didn't seem right. If she didn't fight these thoughts, wouldn't they take over? Burn up her brain? She took a deep breath, looking over at the door. This seemed like bullshit. But, as Grant had said, she needed to give herself a chance. Grudgingly, she said, "That easy."

Ms. Khan snorted, a surprisingly abrupt sound from a woman who had struck her as quite prim. June felt herself grinning along slightly as Ms. Khan said, "Gosh, no. I wouldn't have gone to school for seven years if it were that easy." Back to her serious mode, she added, "It'll take time and a lot of effort, but we'll get you there."

June nodded, finding herself willing once more to extend her trust a little longer. She tried to imagine life without these thoughts, and couldn't quite manage it.

"I want to start by going over various techniques to ignore intrusive thoughts. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah."

\---

There are so many bad days after that that June can't bear to dwell on. Days when she considered fulfilling her desire to not be alive. Days when she looked hard at a bottle of pills. Days she would have lain in bed all day if not for her family. Some she was prepared for, such as the anniversary of Enchantress's take over of Midway City. Others, such as the day Rick doesn't fly over to see her like planned because of Harley Quinn's recapture, are less expected.

What she does reflect on is how Rick was beside her through it all. Bad days, doctor appointments, handling Waller - he’s a stubborn man, and if he saw there was something to be done to help her, he saw to it. That's why, when they reach the top of the cliff they’re climbing, June pulls a ring box out of her bag and opens it, setting it on the rock between them facing Rick where he lays panting. He looks at the ring, then slowly at her, mouth slack, eyes aglow from a potent mixture of sunlight and hope.

June smiles. "Marry me?"

"Yes," he says, a huge smile surging forth as he pulls her down for a kiss.

June kisses him back hard, and feels a smile fit to rival his pushing up her cheeks. She pulls away to take the simple gold band from the box and slide it onto his ring finger. She takes a moment to admire it glinting in the sun before she kisses him again.

This moment, June knows, will be one for her to treasure on good days and bad, for the rest of her days.


End file.
